... and it now turned into a relationship.

Do you know what it feels like to have a crush? I am talking about a real one, about someone who is not a superstar or anime/fiction character. An actual person. You may or may not be able to touch them because of the distance, but you have the feeling of giving someone who's dear to you your heart.

'I love you.'

Whenever I said that to my crush, she either say 'I love you too', but back then, we were not a dating yet. No, it was more platonic rather than romantic. But hey– let me tell you; I started developing a romantic crush for that person. This person made my days better, whenever I talked to them. Their present was a gift and I enjoyed it very much. My heart always skipped a beat when we were being platonic everytime in a group chat. But it made my crush on this person even stronger. It was so strong I decided to confess to them. I told them how I felt, and I am honest– I am no big person of words but only saying 'I have a crush on you' would be awkward. So I told them why, I told them how, I told them how much they meant to me. Considering the fact we know each other for a month,  I thought it would be too quick, I would be rushing and I didn't want to. But I didn't want to see my crush 'moving on' and being with someone else so I took the opportunity and told them how I felt.

Of course they were surprised, of course they didn't expect that. Well I did't expect them to reciprocate their feelings either and here we are. It all happened today, I had a very bad morning but after confessing, I felt way better. I was nervous all day, I didn't know what to do. I was even pale in my face because I skipped my breakfast which was a big mistake but... Here we are. Here I am. I have a significant other, I am really happy.

They make me smile. And as long as I do the same, it is okay.

The good old gender question – now listen; I may end up with coming out and I honestly don't mind it. This post is about to help me in a therapeutical way; more like 'Accept what you are.' First of all: I don't identify myself as the gender I'm assigned at birth. Why? Because it makes me uncomfortable, because I don't like it, because of my past and I went through things that don't make me feel like... like a girl.

Now you may ask yourself 'But Shyre, are you a girl now or not?' I was born as a girl, yes, but I am not identifying myself as one: I'd rather say a demiboy, I identify half as a boy than a girl, but I would also say I'd identify myself as a boy.

'But how can you say you're a boy if you have breasts?' We don't talk about my physical appearance because that's exactly why I'm looking for a therapist. If I don't feel like a girl, it's usual I don't like my body, that I DESPISE my body. I'm rejecting my body and thereby my gender I'm assigned at birth.

Just saying, this takes me a lot of nerves to write, but I am willing to share this for therapeutical reasons. I should see myself what I want to be and not what others want to be. If someone would say 'Don't do this' or 'This is a phase' or 'You are not being yourself' then I say that they don't know how it feels like to be me. They don't know what it is like to live in a body that makes me feel sick and getting anxiety attacks if I have my dysphoria attacks.

You think this started really early? Let's say it started when I was around 15 years old and I thought I would be like the other girls. Of course I would wear feminine clothing but only to 'fit in'. If someone like me would run around with boy clothing, someone, who does not look like a girl, then you know that, when you are a bullying victim, that things would get worse. I didn't say anything and kept living on. My body didn't develop the way it supposed to, I eventually hit puberty really late and I may be still stuck in it with my 23 years of age.

The real deal with the gender issues actually started around 2013, when I finally figured that I don't see myself as someone I want to be. I stopped wearing dresses (unless it's for cosplay) and I only started wearing jeans.

'But Shyre, that's okay. There's women who don't like wearing dresses either.'  No. That's not what I meant. I feel uncomfortable with it and of course there's women who feel the same way, but according to the fact that I get really sick wearing these, I wouldn't consider it 'normal for a women for not liking dresses'. Disphoria didn't hit me that hard back then, but I started wearing clothes that don't make me look... girlish, rather androgynous. I started to cut my hair short and whenever I feel it getting longer I could literally feel the cringe.

The sick feeling was coming back at me and I was so happy when I got my paycheck just to go to the hairdresser and cut my hair short. Wearing shorter hair makes me feel better, both physically and mentally.

My dysphoria worsened in late 2016, and I'm still suffering. I almost had a panic attack when I couldn't find my binder when I wanted to take it on (and I still haven't found it) but I tried to get through the days with it. I would get myself a binder if I had the money and I hope it will happen very soon.

'Shyre, how should we address you?' – Use He/Him/His when addressing me, keep it like this, don't call me a 'girl' or use female titles on me. If you can't accept it or think 'you know me better than I do' and keep calling me a girl nevertheless, then let me tell you, even though it may sound like a bitch move: I will never talk to you again.

You should accept the people, no matter if they say they're not a girl but are assigned as one at birth, you should not go all transphobic, call this person 'mentally sick' or 'this person does not know what they do' or whatsoever.

It's not known if I ever go a transition, be it with meds or surgery, but I hope that this will be settled with a therapist very soon.

Maybe you've noticed that it's really quiet here. I barely do anything that's related with websites or blogging in general. I would call it a block but I'm honest: I'm not really feeling it at the moment, so yeah it is technically a block.

I'm busy with other things right now, playing video games, roleplaying, writing fanfictions and working on other stuff. School has started and as well as school it's also my work that keeps me busy and stressed. Also, at the moment I don't really find a topic to blog about, and instead of forcing myself into writing something just to keep this blog alive, I'd rather stay quiet and wait until I get into something to write about.

I don't see a reason to blog everyday, and with that telling me to not own a website just because I am busy, then I'm going to say to these people to mind their own business. Also, it's October and I'm having a hard time finding a topic to write about. I am still working on my novel, looking for concepts and things that inspire me- just writing things down is currently a hard challenge to me.  If it's not that, then the fact that my health is currently kicking my ass as in telling me I've got a cold and coughing the shit out of my lungs- disgusting.

Anyways: I've been working on the webshop which will hopefully be finished in either Mid-November or at the beginning of December. It's not that I'm low on money (tbh i am but shhh) but it's still good to get paid and appreciated for something like graphic making. I can't do themes and I won't- I'd technically offer icons and headers. The money that I might be getting for the commissions is for getting myself new equipment as in new mouse or headphones or for some food. Even though my roommate is earning the most money of our house, it is not enough for me since I have to pay a lot of insurances and the like. I'll tell you once the webshop is up, so wait for that.

For know that must be it. I'll finish some stuff before I'm going to sleep. School is starting tomorrow and I should go to sleep instead of being online. Sleep is important for me.

Until the next post.

Today's post is going to be on german! Long ago I was tagged by Suzy from unnie.net; thanks my friend!

Es gelten folgende Regeln:
 1. Beantworte die 11 Fragen.
 2. Denke dir selbst 11 neue Fragen aus und nominiere 3 weitere Blogs.
 3. Verlinke den Fragesteller.

1. Was ist Dein Lieblingsmangaka?

Ehrlich? Zu viele. Sei es Arina Tanemura oder auch Takeshi Obata oder Ishida Sui. Soweit meines Erachtens sind sie meine Favoriten.

2. Hast Du schon mal versucht ein Buch zu schreiben? Wenn ja, wovon sollte es handeln?

Ich bin dabei! Ich habe momentan ein Patreon für einen Roman am Laufen! Es geht um vier Königreiche die den vier Jahreszeiten inspiriert wurden und um vier auserwählte Helden, die das Chaos aller Welt aufhalten müssen. Es ist ein wenig wie Avatar - Herr der Elemente aber es ist immer noch was anderes- auch wenn das Sommerkönigreich das Dominantere von allen ist und hinter dem Untergang des Winterkönigreiches war. Aber mehr möchte ich nicht verraten.

3. Wann hast Du Deine erste Homepage gehabt? Was für eine war es?

Oh Gott, das war tatsächlich 2005 gewesen, denke ich? Oder 2004? Auf jeden Fall wurde sie damals noch bei Lycos gehostet (props zu denjenigen die Lycos noch kennen!) und sollte einfach über mich etwas sagen.

4. Drei Dinge die Du schon immer mal machen wolltest!

1. Nach Japan reisen
2. Mein queerplatonischer Partner besuchen
3. Nach London reisen

5. Spontan-einfallende, peinliche Geschichte?

Kennt ihr das wenn ihr einfach zu hyperaktiv seid und ihr gemeinsam mit dem Nachbarn einkaufen geht, ihr eine fremde Frau sieht die vorbeigehen will und ihr versehentlich 'Lasst die alte Frau mal vorbei' sagt? Ohja... das ist mir passiert...

6. Würdest Du lieber alle Sprachen dieser Welt können, jedes Instrument spielen können oder sich nie wieder über Geld sorgen müssen?

Letzteres wenn ich ehrlich bin...

7. Beschreibe einen typischen Tag von Dir!

Ich stehe morgens auf, gehe zur Arbeit, komme wieder und mache bis 23 oder 0 Uhr noch anderes Zeug.

8. Sommer oder Winter?

Winter. Eindeutig Winter.

9. Was ist Dein Lieblingspokemon?

Ein Raichu! Und dass schon seit IMMER!

10. Welcher Sailor Moon Charakter ist Dir am ähnlichsten?

Bunny Tsukino mit einem kleinen Hauch Chibiusa wenn ich ehrlich bin.

11. Dein Traumberuf?

Bin ich gerade am ausüben: Mediengestalter

Ich werde niemanden das Blogstöckchen geben weil ich nicht wirklich jemanden kenne der es nötig hätte, finde ich. Von daher lass ich letztes mal stehen.

And life's been quite stressful until now. I returned from my trip and first thing I had to do was rearranging myself, getting used to school and work again. It's honestly not a big step, but I was told about some certain events that might be happening. Other than that I am still excited for the one and another thing.

And...oh my. Guess who got into FFXIV again and played it for like the entire weekend (plus a holiday)? I decided to afford myself a Playtime Card for the game that gives me 60 days of playtime. There aren't much other methods that I could use for the game hence I don't own a credit card. Reason why I played it so much was because of an event, the Yo-kai event. And since I can't join the event right away, I had to level up my main character until level 15 to get at least ONE Yo-kai. Well guess what? I was successful- it just took me a while but it was worth it. If any of my readers are playing FFXIV too they can let me know. I am playing on the NA servers, mostly Hyperion and Leviathan. It's recommended to be able to move around the other city states of the game hence I'm mostly on Limsa Lominsa. Otherwise... maybe I could make a special label about my gaming experience, or about gaming overall. I am playing so many games lately- either this or I'm reading books.

The first one is Harry Potter And The Cursed Child; the german volume. As of now it's quite interesting, it's a little unusual to read a straight script of a theater piece, otherwise I love the story so far. The second one is January First: A Child's Descent into Madness and Her Father's Struggle to Save Her. It's a book about Michael Schofield and his daughter who suffers from childhood schizophrenia. I've been following the story about the girl itself (it's a real event!!) for quite a while now and I finally decided to get the book myself. Maybe I'd make a book review of either of them once I finished them- we will see.

For the novel: I am suffering a writer's block which is very cruel. But yet I am trying and I hope to finish a good pack of it at the end of the year. Right now I have to focus on school more than anything, and this is the reason of my writer's block.

Good, good. I don't have anything to say now. It's Tuesday and I should go and look for dinner. Until the next post.

Yes, yes... the daily routine tag. I was tagged by a nice person on tumblr to do this, and I decided to put it on this blog because this blog is more meant for stuff like this. The daily routine tag is most likely telling the way you spend the day along with some questions by the tagger. And before this post gets a little bit too long I may reveal the people who I tag beforehand. I am allowed to tag at least 5 people!

Tagging: Rach from Rachlove ; Pim from Misf1t ; Lien from Yinghua ; brandi from artboxed & Suzy from unnie.net

0.Your routine!

I decide to tell you about my routine as of right now, since I am undergoing a practice training at an ad agency. They make flyers and websites and my task is both of it, depending on the job I'm getting. However, due to the conventionality I am not allowed to say a lot so bear with me

I get up at 6.30 AM, sometimes 7 AM or 6.45 AM, depending if I go to shower in the morning or not. ( I shower everyday. One in the morning and the next day in the evening. It changes. ) Then after my shower I get dressed and take my breakfast. Due to my medication I am not allowed to drink coffee anymore, so it's either tea or chocolate milk. 

At 8 AM I leave the house and head to the bus stop which is like... 1 mile away or so. I usually take like 25 minutes there If I don't make a stop at a local shop first to either withdraw money or get some stuff like drinks and such. 

Once the bus has arrived I have to ride the bus until I arrive in Trier, the place where I'm working at. I usually am there at 9.25 AM, the bus coming at 8.40 AM, so it's not that long actually. Sometimes longer, depending on the traffics. 

Work starts for me at 9.30 AM, but it doesn't matter if I come like 5 or 10 minutes later, which is why I sometimes get some tea myself or something else but I have to be quick. 

As for the tasks, it depends. Sometimes it's Webdesign-stuff, sometimes it's flyers or business cards. Yesterday it was both- making banners and business cards for their online-magazine ( I just realized they used a banner I made yesterday for their online magazine!! ). 

I am free to take my breaks; however, since I want it to be fair I start my break at 1.30 PM. I have a break of 30 minutes and sometimes I just get a fish bun or a sandwich for lunch, and that's enough ( sometimes I can't eat much more, though ).

Work ends for me at 6 PM, sometimes even earlier. It depends if the CEO or COO have to leave earlier or not. 

The bus ride back home takes longer, though. Since it's 6 M, the traffic is abhorrent and a lot of people in town are willing to drive home. 

I arrive at home at 7.30, get rid of my usual clothes and start to wear more comfy clothes like jogging pants ( sorry I'm a jogging wearer, and I don't go jogging b-BUT IT'S COMFY, OKAY ).

I look If I make dinner or not, sometimes it's just something quit like a 5-minute terrine or even anything else. It depends if I'm hungry or not. Then I start my laptop and look if I can do something like working on my sites or reply to RP-posts. It depends most likely.

At 11 PM or 12 AM I go to sleep and the day starts again at 6.30 AM.

Now for the questions. I got 5, and I am answering these. 

1. How much time to you need to get ready in the bathroom?

Not much. I am not someone who puts makeup on my face unless it's for reasonable events. It takes like 10 minutes actually.

 2. How's your breakfast going?

Depends. Sometimes it's cornflakes, sometimes just a little sandwich. Depends if I have any ingredients in the house.

3. What are the times you wake up in weekends/when you're not working/going to school/college?

Depends. Sometimes it's 9, sometimes 10 or 11 AM.

4. How do you spend your free time?

Lazing around, playing video games or Pokemon Go, spending time with my neighbor/soon-to-be roommate.

5. Breakfast, lunch or dinner?

Dunno. Breakfast and lunch since they tend to be the important meals for me. Dinner is more like... I dunno. Depends if I'm hungry or not. 

With these questions, it's now on the people I tagged! It would be nice to be mentioned and to tell me if you answered my stuff. My friend on tumblr wants to remain unknown and I accept that way!

For now I'll end this post and we'll see each other until the next one!

À bientôt!

"He's sick. Just let him be." that's what I always have to hear if I complain about a neighbor that lives in our complex for a few years. I live here for almost four years, and since the beginning of 2014, I'm getting bothered by a neighbor who lives at the basement. 

It's not sure what he actually has for a disease, but making it sound like he's a zombie ( and I mean it LITERALLY ) is certainly not something normal. If he's that sick that he has to groan like a zombie and make bumping noises with his wheelchair, then why do they keep him downstairs? Why don't they get him to a place where he'd have it better? 

Because people don't care. They think that he's fine,when he says he's fine. They don't see someone who's noising around all day, they see some guy who's sitting in a wheelchair living his life. A guy in a WHEELCHAIR who lives at an apartment in the BASEMENT. We don't have an ACCELERATOR, no, his caretakers have to carry him to the GROUND-FLOOR.  

I can't go and say to that guy 'Would you please shut the fuck up' because that's rude and I'm not that type of person. If I complain about it to other people I am simply claimed an 'ableist' and that I'm obnoxious. That does not have anything to do with ableism, god damn it. This damn guy does not get the help he needs. Instead they let him live at the basement, let him there all day, being noisy when I want to focus on my stuff, when I want to take my naps. No, it's not possible anymore since he was caught with tha disease nobody fucking knows about it. 

One Sunday I was about to get some breakfast from McDonalds. And when I wanted to go to the basement where my best friends also has his apartment, he was blocking the stairway. I could NOT go to the apartment because he was blocking it, being noisy, complaining about some pain or something, no one willing to help him. And I was scared, I was just scared. I had to wait like 20 minutes until he would go back to his apartment.

This damn guy needs SERIOUS help. And no one is willing to give him this serious help because everyone pretends that it's fine. Some visitors are scared when they hear him, little children cry because they're scared when they hear him. He has his door a few inches open, and you can hear him either on the stairway or when you have your windows open. 

Hell, I can say that I am happy to move out hopefully soon. For someone who needs to rest and focus a lot due to my final year, it is really troublesome. It causes me headaches and mood swings. And I am not allowed to complain about it, otherwise I'm the one who hates every human in the world, especially those who are ill. 

Giving me the ableist card is completely ridiculous. I am not the only person who would complain, and I have difficulties of ignoring it. So what can I say? Nothing? Keep my mouth shut? I won't go and call an ambulance just to get him out if everyone sees that he's 'fine'. No, he needs attention, he needs company. That's why he's noisy. No matter what disease he has, he is not allowed to be on his own. And that's exactly why he's noisy all day. Because nobody cares about him.

Why ain't I doing stuff? Because I don't care. I don't have the time for this. That's why.