The good old gender question – now listen; I may end up with coming out and I honestly don't mind it. This post is about to help me in a therapeutical way; more like 'Accept what you are.' First of all: I don't identify myself as the gender I'm assigned at birth. Why? Because it makes me uncomfortable, because I don't like it, because of my past and I went through things that don't make me feel like... like a girl.

Now you may ask yourself 'But Shyre, are you a girl now or not?' I was born as a girl, yes, but I am not identifying myself as one: I'd rather say a demiboy, I identify half as a boy than a girl, but I would also say I'd identify myself as a boy.

'But how can you say you're a boy if you have breasts?' We don't talk about my physical appearance because that's exactly why I'm looking for a therapist. If I don't feel like a girl, it's usual I don't like my body, that I DESPISE my body. I'm rejecting my body and thereby my gender I'm assigned at birth.

Just saying, this takes me a lot of nerves to write, but I am willing to share this for therapeutical reasons. I should see myself what I want to be and not what others want to be. If someone would say 'Don't do this' or 'This is a phase' or 'You are not being yourself' then I say that they don't know how it feels like to be me. They don't know what it is like to live in a body that makes me feel sick and getting anxiety attacks if I have my dysphoria attacks.

You think this started really early? Let's say it started when I was around 15 years old and I thought I would be like the other girls. Of course I would wear feminine clothing but only to 'fit in'. If someone like me would run around with boy clothing, someone, who does not look like a girl, then you know that, when you are a bullying victim, that things would get worse. I didn't say anything and kept living on. My body didn't develop the way it supposed to, I eventually hit puberty really late and I may be still stuck in it with my 23 years of age.

The real deal with the gender issues actually started around 2013, when I finally figured that I don't see myself as someone I want to be. I stopped wearing dresses (unless it's for cosplay) and I only started wearing jeans.

'But Shyre, that's okay. There's women who don't like wearing dresses either.'  No. That's not what I meant. I feel uncomfortable with it and of course there's women who feel the same way, but according to the fact that I get really sick wearing these, I wouldn't consider it 'normal for a women for not liking dresses'. Disphoria didn't hit me that hard back then, but I started wearing clothes that don't make me look... girlish, rather androgynous. I started to cut my hair short and whenever I feel it getting longer I could literally feel the cringe.

The sick feeling was coming back at me and I was so happy when I got my paycheck just to go to the hairdresser and cut my hair short. Wearing shorter hair makes me feel better, both physically and mentally.

My dysphoria worsened in late 2016, and I'm still suffering. I almost had a panic attack when I couldn't find my binder when I wanted to take it on (and I still haven't found it) but I tried to get through the days with it. I would get myself a binder if I had the money and I hope it will happen very soon.

'Shyre, how should we address you?' – Use He/Him/His when addressing me, keep it like this, don't call me a 'girl' or use female titles on me. If you can't accept it or think 'you know me better than I do' and keep calling me a girl nevertheless, then let me tell you, even though it may sound like a bitch move: I will never talk to you again.

You should accept the people, no matter if they say they're not a girl but are assigned as one at birth, you should not go all transphobic, call this person 'mentally sick' or 'this person does not know what they do' or whatsoever.

It's not known if I ever go a transition, be it with meds or surgery, but I hope that this will be settled with a therapist very soon.